7 Secrets to a Sexy Marriage
by Reader's Digest Magazine, on Mon Apr 19, 2010 6:33am PDT By Sarì Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., Adapted from The 7 Stages of Marriage

How to get the love you want.

Every marriage has its bumps, and they can pop up at any time. What's important is that you learn to navigate them smoothly -- before they send your relationship into a ditch.

No matter how far along the marriage highway you've gone, there are some simple, fundamental rules of the road. Putting them into practice isn't always easy, but it's critical. If you do play by the rules, you'll make your marriage stronger, and the good stuff -- fun, sex, trust, affection -- will be better than ever.

1. Build up your love balance. Boredom, frustration and everyday irritations can douse the spark between you and your spouse -- and more of the same certainly won't feed the flame. Making the good stuff your top priority will. Here's how to do it:

First, consider that it takes up to 20 positive statements to outweigh the harm done by one negative one -- or by a steely squint or impatient "humph." So do more of the former, less of the latter. Compliment your wife on her new shoes, or your husband on his new blue shirt. Thank him for helping around the house. Dial her office for a quick "thinking of you" check-in (don't discuss household chores or bad report cards).

Be sure these compliments and thank-yous are heartfelt and specific: "I can always count on you to make sure my car is safe and ready to use." "This new tablecloth is nice -- you're always thinking of ways to make our home pleasant." Make eye contact when you smile or deliver a compliment. Try a little joyful noise (a happy sigh, say) when giving a loving touch.
Once you take this approach, you'll realize that, in addition to knowing how to push Mr. or Mrs. Right's hot buttons, you know how to push his or her joy buttons too (and we don't just mean sex). After all, that's how this whole thing started. It won't be long before you appreciate that it's always the right time for small acts of love. Give him a "glad to see you" hug and kiss when you get home. Surprise her with coffee in bed on a rainy Sunday (then stay to talk). Revel in the best qualities; let faults slide. Flash your "I'm so happy we're here together" smile as you schlep the recycling bin to the curb. Resolve to enjoy a long kiss before you turn in each night. You do little things for your kids. Why not for your spouse?

2. Reach out. Human touch aids the release of feel-good endorphins, for giver and receiver. So link arms as you walk into the grocery store. Brush her cheek with your fingertips when you smooch good morning. Revive the ways you touched in the early days -- a kiss on the back of the ear, a hand through her hair. Touch is a complex language. It pays to improve your vocabulary.

Adding more of this kind of touch will help you build a fortress of love. That's important, because a couple who form a tight unit can weather any storm (and are better able to stave off infidelity). How do you build this bond? First, support your soul mate. Take his or her side whenever possible if trouble arises in the "outside world." Keep your spouse's secrets to yourself, even when everyone at work spills theirs. Except in a true emergency, don't let anything interrupt "us" time. That's what voice mail and bedroom-door locks are for.

Speaking of "us" time: Make a commitment to spend up to 30 minutes a day chatting with each other about everyday plans, goals and, yes, dreams. One rule: no household-management or "what about our relationship" talk. This is time to build a friendship. Studies show that being friends pays off over time, ensuring a closer, sexier union. And don't forget to make time for intimacy, even if you must log it in your day planner. Schedule sex? Absolutely, if necessary. Spontaneity is great, but if either of you hungers for affection or physical love, don't wait for that special moment.

Another thing you shouldn't wait for: chances to celebrate success. Super Bowl victors. World Series champs. Gold-medal skiers. They all have one thing in common: When they win, they party. And even small victories deserve recognition. If your marriage is humming along, that alone is worth celebrating. Dine out where you proposed. Or book a midwinter-deal trip to Paris. You've earned it.

3. Remember -- nobody's perfect. It's tempting to blame your spouse when you feel angry, disappointed, bored, betrayed or stressed out about your marriage. Then it's a short hop to seeing your mate as the one who must change for the marriage to improve.

That's a cop-out. Trying to improve your spouse puts him or her on the defensive and casts you in a dreary role. The result? Nobody changes. Nobody takes responsibility. Everyone is unhappy. And making your spouse the bad guy means ignoring the 90 percent of him or her that's good.
The true fix: Change yourself. When you address your own flaws and seek the best in your spouse, magic happens. Optimism increases. Your spouse feels better because he or she feels appreciated, not chastised. And you both feel motivated to change in ways that lead to even more joy.

One tip to help get you thinking this way: Adopt the Japanese philosophy of imperfection, wabi sabi ("wah-bee sah-bee"), which applies well to real-life love. Next time your guy or gal does something annoying, take a breath, mutter "wabi sabi" and remind yourself that his or her intentions are good, even if the execution isn't. At the same time, don't ignore what's good in your spouse. Each day this month, pick something, big or small, that you like about him or her. Then name it. For example: "My wife is thoughtful" or "My husband makes me laugh." Then think of a specific act that backs it up: "She brushed the snow off my windshield last week." "If I'm feeling blue, he'll joke me out of it."

Finally, honor your own imperfections. Sometimes we blame ourselves for all that's off kilter in our marriage. Too much guilt can paralyze. So, think of qualities you value, tell yourself you have them and think up real-world examples. "I am loving and kind -- I gave my spouse the last cookie yesterday." "I am honest -- I tell her what I'm really thinking."

4. Add some zing. The classic advice experts give to singles seeking a perfect match: Be "the one" to attract "the one." Same goes in marriage. The happier you feel, the happier your marriage will be, and the easier it will be to manage conflicts. If 15 minutes of morning yoga, a switch to decaf, or a new hobby gives you a relaxed zing, the good feelings can't help but lead to happier, richer moments together.

Meanwhile, admit it: You used to fuss over your hair and obsess over the sexiest item to wear to bed. Now, it's stained sweats and a ratty Rolling Stones T-shirt. Time to spruce up your look. Comb that mane, brush those teeth and throw on a new robe. Feeling good about the way you look makes your eyes sparkle. You're more likely to make eye contact. That sends a spark to your spouse. You know what to do next!

5. Always fight fair. Conflict is a normal, even healthy, part of any marriage. What's important is how you handle it. In a Florida study of longtime couples, joint problem-solving ability was cited as a key factor for 70 percent of satisfied pairs; just 33 percent of unsatisfied couples had mastered this skill. With the right tools and attitude, conflict becomes a gateway to deeper intimacy -- the chance to be seen and loved for who you truly are, to accept your mate's adorable, vulnerable real self, and to build a strong union without caving in or silently seething.
First, steer clear of criticism, confrontation and hostility. They're like gas on a fire. University of California researchers who followed 79 couples for more than a decade found that early divorcers fought long and loud and were always on the attack -- or the defensive. Happy couples, on the other hand, avoid verbalizing critical thoughts, keep discussions from escalating, and don't use absolutes like "never" and "always."

If a fight does start, try to change the subject, inject gentle humor, empathize or show your spouse extra appreciation. Too late? Call a truce, walk away and cool off for a while.

6. Pick the right time and place. Don't start potentially tough talks if you're not well rested and well fed. Hunger and fatigue can unleash nasty remarks and dark thoughts. Ban booze for the same reason. Save it for when you've achieved detente. That's worth a toast.

Don't ever try to deal with serious marital issues if you've got one eye on something else. Turn off the TV, the phone, the laptop. Close the catalog.

If you're distracted or going out the door, pick another time to talk. You can't resolve conflicts on the fly.

Remember, too, that how you handle these situations doesn't just affect you. Is the conversation G-rated? Will it end happily? If not, stop and reschedule for when the kids aren't around. When they are, keep things respectful and productive. Research shows that children thrive (and absorb good relationship skills) when parents resolve issues constructively, but develop insecurities and behavior problems when exposed to hopeless shoutfests.

7. Open your ears. The single most powerful step you can take to keep a marriage solid? Speak less and listen more. Blame, insults, criticism and bullying predict a bad end, or at least a living hell. When talk turns combative, don't interrupt, offer a solution or defend yourself too soon. When feelings are at issue, they need to be heard. So nod, rephrase or provide a soft "um-hum" to show you honor the emotions behind the words. Sometimes, all we really need to do to feel closer to someone is pay closer attention to what it is that they're saying.

My Perspective:
Oh Yah, we can read hundreds of these articles, tips, suggestions, or stories, but the truth in the matter is that if both people in the relationship do not attempt to work together through anything, then having one person trying and trying will eventually get old and tiring. I am only saying, that these tips sound fantastic, but both of you need to follow through. In all relationships, the most importnt ingridient is "Communication", plain and simple. So, if this articles helps you or at least provides some ideas, i wish you the best, if not, then you both need to talk, and if that doesn;t work, then you both need to move on...yah...yah...children maybe involved, but honestly happy parents are better parents.

Till next time, thanks for reading...Latino Man signing off.

People That Actual Work -

You know the other day I was sitting at work, I was just looking around; I happen to have an actual break in my work, because I am usually working full steam ahead all day everyday. Which is very cool because it makes for the day to go by faster, but anyhow, so I sat there maybe 15 minutes and I realized that 90% of the office noise does not come from office equipment…really…just listen. Ok sat there and started listening and the noise was from all the conversations going on around me…and believe me they were not work related.

I sat there watching and listening and of course I saw maybe one or two people actually working, the thing is they were fairly new and were trying to keep the job, the others were mostly older veterans of the company; they were pretty much slacking. So I was wondering, if we have the majority of the employees slacking, for the lack of a better word, doesn’t that actually mean a loss in production, the relating to a loss in revenue…I mean…I am all for having a life outside and inside a job, but lets say you owned the company and literally were able to calculate the loss related to all socializing that goes on when people should be working. Ok I am not saying that people can’t take a breather and chat about the weekend or economy…but to spend two to three hours talking and then jumping on the internet for another two three hours, while your work is piling up…come on. I mean when I hear some of the calls they get and they try and explain the reason why it was not completed, my eye almost come out. I hear things such as; my computer was running slow, I had other things to do, I am waiting for the fax or email…and yet they are talking, surfing the net and taking long breaks…or extra breaks….wow. Believe me I am not saying not to socialize at work, but seriously…that is a lot of time wasted…you know and they wonder why they are not getting raises. Wait, actually I think what happens is that when companies set goals for individuals, and the employee can meet it, maybe exceed it a little within 2-3 hours of work…they then have a tendency to slack the rest of the day…5-6 hours…wow. It is mind boggling, but I happens…try it your self…just observe for a full day, look at all the employees and you’ll see what I am talking about…yah…yah that means you’ll not work for a day, but I think you can pull your self away from the internet or chatter enough time to try this experiment…just saying.

So, how should companies react or deal with when they finally realize all the time spend on chatting, surfing, long or extra breaks…hmmm. Only saying…I was amazed to see the amount of time not related to actual work…wait…I almost forgot…how about the smokers or the personal phone calls…and not to mention the texting that goes on during work…I see people texting …I mean …texting for hours at there desk…you walk by and they are texting, an hour later you walk by again and there fingers are vigorously moving…then you sit down and look up ever so often to see them still texting…its crazy…anyways…don’t look at me as a tyrant, I am only pointing out something I observed.

My Perspective:
The next time you complain about not getting a raise, or being over looked for that management position, please step back and tell yourself what have you done to get noticed, some type of recognition or maybe not credit but they know your name in a good way; if you answer “nothing really” except for what my job description tell me to do, then sit back down and stop complaining. If you want to get those raises and those management positions, then start working…only saying.
Thanks for reading till next time Latino Man signing off.

Office Environment

I’m not sure if anyone one knows Dilbert; it’s a comic strip you could read in the news paper. Anyhow, I look back at some of the strips and you know it’s funny, but man, they are so true. The other day I was talking to a colleague and we were talking about some of the strips and how when you look around, where we work its scary but so true. Anyhow, sometimes I am sitting there at my desk working and its amazing at what you hear, I think people forget that they are in the middle of the room and they might think they are whispering or maybe they think no one is listening, but every so often things are said and my eyes pop out…WOW.

Ok, well the office environment might nit be for everyone, I have been told by family and friends that they would rather be working outside in the sun, doing hard labor…and the thought of been cooped up in a build all day long, looking though the blinds seeing the sun and blue skies, just would not be the thing for them…I sort of laugh and then I tell them of some of the things I hear and they smirk…hmmm…well then maybe it would be fun…NAH.

So, anyhow, the whole office environment sort of grows on you and actually you need to work with a special set of people in order for you to enjoy doing your job, now of course it is important to enjoy what you do, but of course having the right people working next to you can make a huge difference. I mean think about it, if you sat next to a quite, nerdy person that really did not get involved in office life it might make for long days, of course some actually enjoy the quite cubicle mate. Now, of course you have those neighbors that well…you know…yapp up a storm and pretty much share everything and anything with you…sometimes it could be sort of weird…but other times it really is funny…and you think you had it bad…well…just stop and listen to your cubicle mates you might be in for a surprise and realize your life is not so bad…LOL….only saying.

You know though, things have changed even in the office environment, people really don’t talk as much and are almost looking over their shoulder every second of the day, or wondering if the next day they will still have a job to come to; this makes for a very stressful office environment, but I guess the way you can look at it, is that hey…you have a J.O.B. doesn’t make it right, but you know the pot locks, the birthday decorations the special events, they have sort of disappeared form today’s corporate world…and people have had no real reason to socialize at work. Now, it seems that with the combination of the economy, extra work duties, finances at home, has led to more outside gathering that are mostly Happy Hours…people are taking to drinking to enjoy a peaceful moment and forget the worries of that they…even if for a few hours. But this can lead to many issues later in their life that could put them out of work…but it seems to be a norm…what can you say.

Talking about drinking and today’s youth; I have noticed a huge shift to Vodka as been the choice of drink…and the majority of consumption by the younger generation….I hear it everywhere, at work, online, forums, chats, emails, friends…everywhere…wow. I recall that a 40 was the big thing back in the day, now its Red Bull and vodka…LOL. So, what causes these changes, beside the economy creating stress? I mean I know we all have been through a generation of craziness, but what brings about the change, ok…well.I guess it could be the media, celebrities’, or maybe it’s just a new thing that catches on at school…weird. Anyways…so back to the Dilbert thing, once again if you get a chance read a few strips, I believe now you can find it online…nice…and see what you think…I am telling you…it is totally funny and scary true.

My perspective:
Work hard at work, but keep them ears perched, because you never know what you might catch. I know mom said never to listen in on other peoples conversation and never interrupt a conversation or only speak when spoken to…but come on…we need to keep on top of things and the office is a great place for NEWS FLASHES…lol.

So, I’ll cut it short here and try and be back again…I know I have been slacking on my posts, but I try and pick up the paste…you know I have so many thing son my mind…to share…I just need to start sharing…well…ok…I need to make time and start typing and posting. Till next time Latino Man signing off.

What does your sleep position reveal about your personality?
by Jessica Ashley, Shine staff, on Mon Apr 26, 2010 12:55pm PDT

These days, the way that I sleep simply says, "I am happy to be single and spending five to seven hours sprawled out in the center of my bed alone."

At other points, my tightly squeezed eyes and curled-up body would have screamed, "I know the baby will wake up/someone will start snoring/the alarm will begin blaring as soon as I finally, finally, finally get to sleep."

Years and years ago, the corpse-looking college student still in her clothes would have mumbled something like, "Finals. Boys. Beer."

Our lives, the amount of sleep we get, and how well we actually rest during those nighttime hours may change drastically over time. However, one sleep researcher says that our body position in bed could say something about who we are, not just what else is happening in our lives.
Professor Chris Idzikowski, director of the Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service, says that a study of 1,000 Brits revealed that the six most common sleeping positions are indicative of personality types.

If this sounds ridiculous (and honestly, I'd love to see information on this study and the analysis fleshed out further than any of the reports I could find), consider that Idzikowski says it comes down to body language.

"We are all aware of our body language when we are awake but this is the first time we have been able to see what our subconscious posture says about us," Idzikowski said. "What's interesting is that the profile behind the posture is often very different from what we would expect."

The research also links certain sleeping positions with health risks. Some aid digestion while others spur on snoring and restlessness.

Here are the six common sleeping positions and correlated personality traits and health implications, according to this study.

[graphic via BBC.com]

Fetus position - A whopping 41% of participants sleep in this curled-up manner. Women are twice as likely to rest like this and it is listed as the most common position. These sleepers are said to have a tough exterior but are still sensitive and may appear to be shy but warm up quickly.

Log position - If you sleep on your side with both arms down, you are a social, easy-going person who is trusting, sometimes to the point of being gullible. The study showed 15% of people sleep like a log.

Yearner position - A close third is the side-lying position with both arms out in front of the body, with 13% of partipants sleeping like this. Yearners are noted to be open-minded and still cynical, suspicious, and stubborn about sticking to decisions once they are made.

Soldier position - These sleepers lie on their backs with arms down and kept close to the body. This 8% study is said to be reserved, quiet, without fuss, and hold themselves and others to a high standard. Soldier sleepers have a higher likelihood for snoring due to the flat-back position, which may not cause them to wake up often but may result in a less restful night's sleep.

Freefall position - Those people who lie on their bellies with arms under or wrapped around a pillow with head turned to the side, make up 7% of the population studied. Freefallers are brash, outgoing, and are very uncomfortable with criticism.

Starfish position - Sleepers who lie on their backs with arms up near their head or the pillow account for 5% of participants. These people are good listeners, helpful, and are uncomfortable being the center of attention. People who sleep in starfish position are more likely to snore and to suffer from a poor night's sleep more often.

If you think you are one of those people who move through all of these positions, that's not likely to really be the case. Idzikowski said the research reveals most people stay in the same position all night and only 5% lay differently night by night. Also interesting is that the study showed only one in ten people cover their bodies entirely with a blanket, with most people exposing an arm, leg, or both feet.